Some swearing in it. This is the beginning of a narrative I've started. It's based around Scarlett by Cathy Cassidy and the movie Wild Child, but I've made it into play-doh and made it my own, I'm not plagiarising. Tell me what you think!
Chapter One
Here I am, back in the waiting room of the heads office. This isn’t the second time, or the third. I’ve lost count, to be perfectly honest. The secretary, or “assistant of evil”, Miss Voyla is staring at me with those beady eyes. Eyeing off my beauty, surely. What she can see of it anyway – thick eyeliner, black nails, emo-ish haircut (black, side fringe and so on) hides it. That speaks beauty in my books, anyway. Finally, Mrs Flynn, the sadistic principal calls me in.
“Aisling Cuthbert!” She screeches. “Enter!”
I walk into her office and have a seat. “Flynn. Good to see you. It’s been over a fortnight since I was last in your fine office.” I say, cracking my gum and using the other chair as a footrest, showing off my red converse. I wouldn’t wear any others – I won’t be able to function without my red or black stilettos or wedge heels. If I wear them to school I’ll never see them again.
“There is nothing funny about this, Miss Cuthbert. I suppose you are familiar with this?” The old hag holds up a poster with Mrs Flynn gone wild! See her tonight 10:30, only at Woodvale secondary! Splashed all over it. I am quite proud of that feat, I wandered through school putting them up late last night, when the drunks and druggies came out to have punch ups on the grassed areas.
“Oh yeah! How’s it working for you?” I say, blowing a bubble.
“The wolf whistles, pinches on my rear by horny gentlemen are not funny, Miss Cuthbert. I don’t suppose you know what they do for a living, do you Aisling?”
“Of course, Miss. They pay girls to shag them, do weed and crap, and drink.”
Flynn mutters something along the lines of “Probably one of them herself.”
“What?” I scream.
“Aisling, your mother has arrived.” Miss Voyla is at the door, staring with those beady eyes.
Mum enters the room, swishing her brown hair over her shoulder and glaring at me. “What has she done this time?” She asks. Flynn holds up the masterpiece. Mum’s face goes red to purple, then back to red. “Aisling Maria Cuthbert! What do you call this?” She screams.
“It’s a masterpiece, mother. Do you want one of your own?”
“Don’t be smart with me, Aisling. You are in so much trouble! Mrs Flynn, what will her punishment be?”
Flynn looks it up on her computer and finds results. “Let’s see... One suspension for starting a food fight at the canteen... A second suspension for swearing and pushing a teacher, not to mention multiple detentions... Mrs Cuthbert, may I speak with you privately?”
“Of course,” Mum says.
I walk out the office, into the hall.
“I’m afraid I have no option but to expel Aisling from this school. She is clearly a very troubled girl. Imagine what she could do if she continues this path? She could commit crimes! Become a junkie! Mrs Cuthbert, please accept my suggestion of getting help from a professional for Aisling. I know from her record that she wasn’t always like this. You may leave,” Flynn says professionally.
Miss Voyla looks at me strangely, but I have an excuse for having my ear pressed against the door. “I have a right to know what’s going on, Miss.” I say.
Mum walks out of the office. “Aisling, let’s go.” She says, stone-faced.
I smile sweetly at Miss Voyla, and then I walk out the door through the car park, to the car. Mum unlocks it, and I get in, do up my seatbelt. For about five minutes we travel in silence, then mum breaks it by saying “Aisling, this is your third school to expel you. Three schools in a year and a half! Six months you lasted at Woodvale. Six! It’s a joke! Do you know how hard it is to get schools to take you once they see your record? Well?”
“I don’t give a shit. My life isn’t exactly a bloody picnic, you know.”
“Look Aisling, life isn’t easy for me either. Your dad lives in England and Louise’s death wasn’t easy on me.”
“Louise was my twin sister. We shared DNA. But you had to turn off her oxygen machine! YOU KILLED HER!” I scream. Louise died exactly one week before we turned fifteen, and dad left a year before that.
“Look, Aisling. We all took it hard, but you have to let it go. You are sixteen now – almost an adult. Louise wouldn’t want you to be like this. Neither do I. But we are on top of things in terms of finance, so I can buy you clothes, makeup, DVDs, things you like. That just isn’t good enough, is it? What do you want?”
“A life! A life where my mother will let me grieve for my twin!”
“Fine!” she snaps, as we enter the house. “Have that life. I’m sick of the disrespect. The arrangements have been made. You are going to England.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay firstly…the last part of the story was a good way to let the reader stir some interest.
Introduction:
Not to be harsh but the words, “Here I am, back in the waiting room of the heads office. This isn’t the second time, or the third. I’ve lost count, to be perfectly honest.” Does not seems to catch the reader’s attention. Though I understand what you are trying to do but it seem incomplete for the words you used seemed vague. Try to start something that seems to invite the reader into the situation. You can start the story by showing the main character sitting on the main office playing with her hair and having a staring contest with the receptionist. That way, the reader may be interested on what may happen to her and ponder what she had done.
Character: Well…the main character seems to have some personality but the other characters like the headmistress and the mother and the receptionist seem to have similar attitudes towards the girl. You did not seem to try to separate them or that I do not see some difference between these two women other than their names. What you need to do for this is to denote body language. You do not need to write a quirk but how they behave is good enough. What is the body language of the headmistress different from the mother. Does the headmistress flick her hair, put both hands on the table while the mother had her hands on her hips, shoulder bag on her shoulder, positioned her head in an angle? That way, we can see some difference in these two women.
Thanks heaps, I'm glad both of you like it and feel connected with Aisling. I will make it play-doh again and fix it.
PS Aisling isn't just playing up because of Louise's death. Her life has gone pear-shaped because Louise died, her dad left for England, her mum expects her to grieve then forget it happened and she feels that she has been replaced because her dad has a new wife and daughter. A lot for a 16 year old to handle, so I imagine.
PPS her mother has had enough and arranged to have Aisling live with her dad. Aisling getting expelled was the final straw.
Keep an eye out for chapter 2!
Yo Rebz
Reading the start of this story made me rather happy. Immediately visible is your potential as a writer. Your story is by no means flawless, but it's something entertaining and friendly to the reader. You have the natural instinct to be able to connect with the reader and with a little work you can become a great writer.
There are several things that I'd like to show you. I hope they help and look forward to seeing you use them to improve your writing.
What you need to do is learn how to write invisibly and pull your reader so deep into the story that he is unaware that you are writing. This means trying to avoid quirks in your writing that draw attention to you as a narrator. This change needs to be implemented in several ways.
Let's start off with your present tense narration. Tense sets a tone for your piece and has the ability to contribute massively to your writing. You need to ensure that you choose the write tense. The advantages of the present tense are immediacy and urgency that's injected into your writing. The advantages of the past tense are reflective nature and the fact that it is more natural to tell a story that you've already experienced than one that you are experiencing at the moment you are telling it.
The fact that the story is worth telling and is not inherently action packed should imply that it would be better to tell it in the past tense. This would allow you to remain more cloaked and allow the reader to focus on the characters and the story more intensely.
Then there's the first person narration... I'm not going to tell you that it's wrong to write this story in the first person because I don't think it is. It just requires a great deal of care to be able to pull it off properly. You need to get into the characters head. You need to see what the character sees. This means that if your character would see her behavior as rational, as a writer you need to lead us enough into your character's mind that we can see that she believes she's behaving rationally.
Then there's the dialogue. You need to make sure that it doesn't jerk us out of the story. This means anything out of place. Dialogue tags should be almost restricted to "said" as this word goes unnoticed and is invisible when read in context. This allows the reader to focus on the actual dialogue itself which is what you want. Usually your dialogue itself should be emotive enough to indicate to the reader the tone in which it was said. On those rare exceptions where there is ambiguity, you can often add an adverb to tell the reader your character's manner of speaking.
This brings me on to another point. Overuse of exclamation marks makes them lose their effect. They should be rare and effective. On the same note, capital letters to indicate shouting in dialogue are often distracting to the reader and remove them from the story. The words themselves let us know that he's shouting, and sometimes you can tell us that he shouted, if he could be interpreted as calm. Capital letters do you no good, though.
That's it as far as style goes. I want to take a look at some points in the story itself, though.
There are a couple of questions one can ask:
It seems unbefitting of your principal to refer to gentlemen as "horny." Why does she do so?
It is also strange that your persona's mother makes plans for her to go to England before she knows her daughters fate.
It's the minor details like these that undermine your story. You need to be completely concise with every word and make sure that they're all accurate representations of the plausible reality.
All this said, I feel quite connected to your character which is unusual after so short a piece. You've done a great job here. You're great with description although I'd try to make it less obvious that you're describing things that aren't needed at a particular point in the story. (The appearence described as thick eyeliner etc. in the middle of nowhere and other such descriptions) You've got a good start here, and I'll look out for the next part.
Keep well!
Yoda
I loved the present tense in this piece. It had such a minimal impact that I didn't even notice until my second time reading, and yet it added a lot to the movement of the piece.
Also, I love Aisling's name. It was the name that got me to click on the piece.
"head's" = it's possessive, so it needs an apostrophe in there.
You're using "headmistress" here, but where is the story set right now? I kind of assumed America, where the term is "principal", but I could be wrong.
To indicate that this is what your MC calls her, perhaps you should put "assistant of evil" in quotation marks?
This bit made very little sense to me. When you say "what she can see of it anyway", it makes me think that Aisling is covered up. Then you describe her "beauty". Is that what Aisling is considering beautiful? I was just really confused.
A couple of things about formatting dialogue:
Whenever a new person starts talking after a paragraph of description, start the dialogue on a new line.
When the sentence of dialogue ends with a period and is followed by a dialogue tag ("he said", "she shouted", etc.), the period becomes a comma and the first letter of the dialogue tag is lowercase (unless it's a proper noun).
ex. Lawrence's lip trembled as Irene hugged him.
"I used to think I was an eggplant. Then I found out I was adopted," he sobbed.
When the sentence of dialogue ends in an exclamation or question mark, keep the punctuation, but the first letter of the dialogue tag is lowercase.
This confused me just a little bit. It seems like she's saying that she won't wear any other shoes than her red Converse, then she talks about other shoes that she wears. Maybe reword the sentence a little to make it clear that there are only a few pair of shoes she will wear and the Converse are one of them?
I would suggest putting the words from the poster in italics to make it clear that it is being read off the poster. Otherwise it's a little confusing where the quoted material ends and the sentence picks up again. (Also, since "splashed" is still part of the sentence started earlier despite the punctuation in the middle, it should be lowercase.)
That comma should be a semi-colon.
All-caps are not pretty in prose. Italics give the emphasis just as well and look a bit better.
In terms of character, I agree that Flynn's comment was out of line, but this reaction seems over the top for Aisling. I mean, she's being extremely rude herself. Why is she so up in arms about getting some of her own back? I would think she would sort of take it in stride but use it as fuel for further hatred, rather than shrieking and letting it get to her visibly in front of her enemy.
When "mother" is used as a name, it should be capitalized (same thing with "father" and all the variations of both).
ex. "I want to introduce you to my mother," Ursula said, clinging to Rob's arm. "Oh, Mother! I have someone for you to meet!"
Edit: She needs help. Who knows what she will do? She could commit crimes! Become a junkie! Miss Cuthbert, please consider it. (I'm confused as to who Flynn is talking to and what she is talking about? Aisling's mother? Getting help?)
This seems very unprofessional of Flynn to be saying in front of Aisling. I understand that she is being painted as the witch of an administator and whatnot, but there is a level of professionalism one is expected to maintain. This is stuff that the parent and teacher would talk about in private, rather than having the child there. Maybe you could have Aisling out in the hall, but she can hear what Flynn is saying?
Any and all sympathy I might have had for the character is lost in this single action. I'm not really sure what you are going for in Aisling, but so far, she is just rude and unlikeable.
"and out to the car"? I'm assuming the car wasn't parked just outside the office door.
This is rather info-dumpish, as is Aisling's next line of dialogue.
The last few paragraphs felt rather angsty and contrived. Is her mother basically trying to bribe her? Why is she doing that? And Aisling seems to be acting out more than mourning her sister. What, in her mind, is preventing her from mourning? Are people constantly telling her to get over it? Does her mother not talk about it? Why does Aisling feel she is being so mistreated?
Also, why did her mother try to reconcile with her if she was already going to England? Why this sudden twist and relocation? What is her mother trying to accomplish by sending her away? Is she going to live with her dad? Is it to just get her away? It seems like a rather expensive way to accomplish anything (I guess depending on where the story is set right now).
Aisling did not appeal to me as a character. She was rude and disrespectful and seemed to have no motivation for being as such. It makes her a hard person to have to follow in a story. This is not to say that a main character has to be perfect, but there needs to be a level on which we can sympathise with the character. I can't seem to find one with Aisling. Her sister dying was perhaps supposed to introduce a reason for her being the way she is, but it just felt tacked on, as if it were an excuse she were using for being the way she was.
If you have any questions about anything I said, please PM me. There's potential here in this story that could really go places.
~GryphonFledgling